i miss it all. i miss it so much. i can't ever have it again. it was better than i ever could have hoped for. i need reassurance. for now i'll just listen to the playlist that takes me back to nights in 4AL. nights where i could fall asleep with a geniune smile on my face, anticipating the day to come. people say you can't live that way forever. people do. i saw it. it was beautiful. i want that. i am so greedy. i had the best year ever. i met the most wonderful, entertaining people ever. the world is a small place, but everything seems so far away. i want to go back!

i'm in way over my head.
h
e
l
p
!

this will take care of itself with time. i'm impatient though.
it will be okay. right?

i'm not alone. never, ever.

sometimes you watch something and are reminded of your constant thoughts.
you only get to do this once. don't get it wrong, but don't worry about getting it right. just do it. yeah, knowing that those skies were perfect during that one minute in that one place that you'll never be able to go to again in the same state as the one time when it occurred is a little saddening, but at least you get to know how that feels.
it's liberating. getting on and over it that is.

seems like my itunes is playing all the right tunes tonight. all of the songs that would make anyone feel comfortable and at peace.
just stop
worrying
about
it.

live,
breath.

i'm breaking out like a fourteen year old, and i find great humor in it.

i have nothing that really needs to be said, but a lot that could be said.

i leave the country in less than 2 months. i really like that everyone didn't believe i'd do it. i always thought i was a pretty determined person, and i always thought that was pretty clear to everyone else. well now it is! and i couldn't be happier.

points for me!

i'm working a lot, but i could be working more. i think i should be too, so i'll probably get on that tomorrow. i've already seen tons of my classmates while i'm working. it's fun to feel important and catch up. i think i enjoy catching up so much that i purposely avoid some people just so we can catch up later. with that said, i had lunch with an old friend today. the one my mom tries to set me up with, only this time it was a much bigger scene because it was at work and all of the ladies i work with were on my mom's side. it was like a movie scene: old ladies try to set their young, single daughter/like a daughter/wish was a daughter with a young, single male.  my time will come silly ladies!

i'm good at my job!

my friends are dating. it's really created tension amongst the group which makes me glad to be away from the action. i don't like that he is dating her...not one bit. he's the most like me and i don't want him to be tainted. she's the friend with all of the experience. the worst part she just ended a 2+ year relationship with our other good friend, and one of his best friends. not a good situation.

i love buying and wrapping presents!

 

not.

you are difficult to figure out, even when you are so honest. you're not that interested.
i think we are attracted to each other for different reasons.

i know that i'm not that interested either, but let's see where this can go.
i'm so bored alone!

i enjoy the comfort that having a four year plan brings.
don't get me wrong, i like not knowing what the future holds a little bit, but sometimes it helps to know what will happen. why? because i've got this idea how things should be and if some silly decision i make now prevents me from having that favorable outcome, well i'd surely like to have the chance to correct it.

yes, the idea is that good.
it is my life plan thus far, and i'm told you're supposed to have a plan with your life.

thank goodness for adults and their wisdom. thank goodness for their way of communicating and the comfort that their words can bring.

and thank goodness for peace of mind.

it's almost time for the sun to come up and i haven't yet gone to sleep.
i just finished a book, a thinking kind of book, which probably has something to do with it.

i keep thinking that all of this goodness will pay off, but then i see others--whom i would consider undeserving--cashing in now, and receiving rewards without being appreciative and i become impatient, thinking selfish thoughts. no real, truly good person should/would be thinking these thoughts in the first place.

i've become really good at being introverted lately and it doesn't bother me in the least. it scares me in some ways, so i guess it does bother me, but the only bothersome part is the fact that it doesn't bother me. make sense? good.

i always knew i was much more independent then my friends, but this much...well...this may be too much. am i incapable of letting someone in? it seems that once i get to know a person really well, which takes a long time, i lose that relationship in record time. i'm not sure if this is normal. i've never been afraid to not be normal, but in this case i am.

i've gone and lost myself in my own mind again.
oh the problems of being educated.
i recover quickly though.

shopping is fun. it makes two things very clear.
good: i haven't grown since my sophomore year
and
bad: i haven't grown since my sophomore year

wow. i am doing a lot better. everyone in the family for that matter is. as soon as word got out about the shady business that went down with my mom, job opportunties have come pouring in. now we just need to figure out which one will be best, be best for her--big emphasis on her.

i'm ready for the next stage.

i just finished up my summer classes, woo hoo. now i have 18 days to enjoy my summer, of course, i'll be working a lot, but i've still got a lot of things that i want to get done before i go back to school.
here we go
1) i applied for a credit card and intend to get it any day now and with that i'm going to...

where it finally becomes a hassel to put out one candle for every year you've been alive.

despite the fact that i think i'm much too busy for summer time, i still have way too much time on my hands to think about--you've guessed it--myself.

i often go out of my way to use the old-fashioned push/pull doors to enter buildings instead of the automatic ones in hopes of promoting a less lazy america. i don't think my plan is working. the mall just installed automatics. at the same time i think, "sick! who exactly has been pulling and pushing this door open before me? what if they have some disease?" so while i open the doors, i'm also either a) using my shirt sleeve to protect one-on-one contact between my vulnerable hand and the germ infested door, or b) applying instant hand santaizer afterwards.

i also try to avoid going to a person i have to tip for doing a service who i know smokes--like this lady who could cut my hair, but because she smokes i refuse to go to her. i know that my tip money will fund their habit and their habit, well, kills me indirectly. the truth is my tip money could be going to fund some persons habit of pimping their ride, which in turn may kill me too. habits are killers i guess.  i feel bad about it because everyone has a bad habit and because i know i'm discriminating which is something i'm not down with.

i'm extremely optimistic in the future of the world. i think the human race is remarkable, and am super excited to see what is going to happen. i don't think we're all going to hell. when i'm dead i hope someone will be able to keep me informed. i'd like to know what happens when the sun dies out or what people will think about the 21st century. however, when it comes to my own future, i think i'm suffering some sort of major growing up anxiety. will i turn out alright? will i get all of my goals accomplished? i've got a lot of them, perhaps too many too soon. it's definitely not finanically feasible, and that's the worst part, coming to terms with knowing that money ultimately rules, and that the romanticized outlook on life of my early teenage years must be abandoned.

i wish i had ticket stubs to all of my favorite concerts or outtings. i wish i had anything to document all of the great times in my life, because this journey is far to great to let anything be forgotten. on the other hand, i wish i didn't have to take time out to write stuff down, or take pictures and put them in a scrapbook because who knows what memories i could be missing out while i'm trying to preserve the memories that already occurred.

i think i have a good heart, a great heart in fact...at least for the majority of the time. i think i have more self-respect, self-worth, self-confidence and all that other good self stuff than the average person, and i think i'm a really nice person...genuine and hopeful. a good package one might say. on the flip side if you saw me walking down the street your first impression would be that i'm shy and reserved, perhaps even depressed or withdrawn from the world around me. interesting? maybe for a little a bit, but i'd like to eventually rid that first impression because i fear i'm missing out on meeting a lot of awesome people, but i have already met a lot of awesome people the way i am so why change? i don't know the answer yet, but even though i may appear worried and have wrote an entire entry on it, i'm not. i'm not worried because i honestly think things are going to work out my way in the end.